The BevMo Saga
I don't usually talk about myself here. I don't feel that my life is particularly interesting or entertaining. I do make exceptions every now and then, because while my life may not be so entertaining, my suffering is. Let me explain.(A) I am overweight. I used to be obese, but ever since I graduated from college, I've been dieting because I knew that I would be relying on a bicycle as my only means of conveyance, and I didn't want to have a heart attack. So I'm not obese any more, just overweight. Fat. It's hard for fat guys to ride a bicycle for any reasonable distance, but I'm determined to combat the fat, you see. Enough about the fat, the stage has been set.
(B) A second piece of background for my story is BevMo. BevMo has become an inside joke with some of my friends because I once misheard the name and an idiotic conversation followed. When I moved to California, I was delighted to discover that BevMo is not just a web site, it's a real store. So I had to check it out. Their selection is quite good, and that matters because of background tidbit (C).
(C) As most of my friends know, I adore Scotch whisky. I try to stress exactly how much I love it, but I'm not sure people actually believe me. I like to explain by pointing out that if I had been offered the opportunity to apprentice with a master distiller in Scotland instead of being admitted to a graduate program for history, I would have had a very hard decision to make.
(D) T-Mobile screws loyal customers. Whereas most mobile companies reward their customers when it comes time to renew contracts, T-Mobile figures you're going to stay anyway, and offers you nothing. I wanted a new Sidekick II (because my old Sidekick was really falling apart and 18 months had passed), and T-Mobile refused to make me a reasonable deal. I told them that if I were a new customer, I would be able to get one for free and that they were, in effect, punishing me for being a loyal customer. They told me that they were sorry I felt that way. But sorry wouldn't get me a free Sidekick II. So, I told them that I would leave, get a no-contract phone for three months (taking my phone number with me) and I would return after 90 days as a new customer. And I would have my Sidekick II for free. It would be a hassle, but it was the principle that mattered. 90 days have now passed, and I'm not sure if I really want the Sidekick II. For the moment, I have a very crappy Nokia that can't do anything modern phones can except perhaps make and receive calls.
So here is how those four unrelated bits of my personal history combined to screw me on the evening of the 28th. Because of (C) I decided to find a decent liquor store. Naturally, as per (B) my choice was BevMo. Because of (D) I didn't have any handy electronic way to note the directions or even to write down the address. I loathe paper documents (except maybe very old books). But the directions were very simple. Get on San Pablo Avenue and go. Go until you hit BevMo. At this point, you may find it useful to consult the map (click on it to get the full version), because it makes what happened so much clearer:
I live in Berkeley, and my apartment is point 1 on the map. I knew that BevMo was fairly close, 3.4 miles away in fact, so I figured that even though (A), I should still try to make it to (B). BevMo is point 2 on the map. It would be good exercise, I thought, and I would see if I've really improved any.
6.8 miles (round trip) might not seem like a lot to normal people, but I remember falling over on the side of a road in a ditch (to lie down from exhaustion) when I tried to rollerblade around Central Park in Manhattan. I'm not normal. In fact, because of (A), I always assume that any tiredness I feel when I'm biking must be because I'm out of shape. However, I did realize that perhaps something was wrong because I had left my apartment at 7:39 PM, and the time was 8:30 PM. I had biked for 50 minutes. I guess that my average speed had to be between 10 and 15 miles per hour. Surely, I was not so out of shape that in 50 minutes of biking I had not yet traversed 3.4 miles. I knew that BevMo (point 2 on the map) was in Albany. I couldn't remember if I'd seen Albany. But I knew that I had seen El Cerrito and Richmond. I tend to forget the spatial relations between those three towns, so I thought Albany might be coming up.
Then I passed the San Pablo police station. I biked as far as 14121 San Pablo Avenue (point 3 on the map), before I called Kaitlen (on my crappy Nokia) and asked her to look up what I couldn't, thanks to (D). Kaitlen told me that I was 10.7 miles from home. Somehow, I had overshot my mark by seven miles. That's 200%. I felt tired not only because of (A) but also because I had already ridden more one-way than I had planned to round-trip.
So, I started to bike back. I hoped I might hit BevMo on the way back. I had passed dozens of liquor stores, but thanks to (B), I wanted to hit BevMo. Not any other liquor store. Well, I did eventually find BevMo. But BevMo closes at 9:00 PM. It was past 9:00 PM. By about ten minutes.
So I continued to bike back home. I stopped for about ten minutes to pick up some food to bring back home. I got home at 10:00 PM. Despite (A), I biked 21.4 miles last night. But I never made it to (B), thanks to (D) and my inability to recognize that (10.7 > 3.4). And so (C) still goes unfulfilled.
